Circle Of Nothing

if there were no rules, boundaries or games to play in life we would find ourselves doing much more living and less walking around in circles.....circles of nothing.

and all this walking is usually caused by this fine fellow....

it feeds the fire
it turns the wheels
i can't help it
i love it so
little demon inside my head
it takes me places i'm afraid to go
it makes me take the extra step
i can't help it
i love it so
little demon inside my head
it shows me reflections i don't always want to see
it hears me when i cry in the night
i can't help it
i love it so
little demon inside my head

because he's only lonely

fingers twirl around the throat of the next impending fool needing to leave this feeling alone
a dance for the clean and soft to pretend to play after the days meanderings are over
lonely eyes follow the lonely
hollow eyes follow the watcher
cold eyes follow the receiver
the feeling of control soon subsides leaving the dark empty space of regret to consume the enslaved
chances are just that

lonely eyes follow the lonely

follow the lonely

or maybe just lost

looking down
turn around
my shoes don't touch the ground
last forever
leaning on into the wind
slipping further into the sound of myself
seeking the answers
to my questions of doubt
walking around
feeling the night
twisting and thinking
how did this story end

losing my
losing my

tossing and rolling
in the still air
feeding the monsters
that dwell in my head
crushing the flowers
that i bought for you
cursing this feeling
too new to be true
swallowing my fears
in the shallow end of a lifetime of dreams
keeping this something
this nothing
alive
for what
for what do i die

losing my
losing my

seeing the faceless
the nameless go dashing by
reaching out to grab them
i fall with a cry
weeping and drooling
this is fucking my mind
this sensation is fucking my mind
this falling sensation is fucking my mind
this desperately falling sensation is fucking my mind
love

and we all know how quickly it takes to fall in love

this far-off tone has found me once more
i tremble at the thought of falling behind
behind the times
behind the love
behind the truth
behind the lies
behind the secrets
behind the kisses stolen in a darkened room

but what if this love blurs the lines between all we thought we knew

in the womb of desire the pressure takes its toll
the stone cold face of indifference begins to shed its first tear
trapped between the hammer and the anvil
the weight of duality cripples even the mighty

a whisper from the darkness once told you silence was golden, now if you could only cry out loud
if you could only look in the mirror
if you could only see who you are

trapped between the hammer and the anvil
between lover and friend

what if we can't just

october thunder slipped across
the midwestern sky
bellowing through the river valley
grand dinner music
for a feast of discovery

your lips, made even sweeter
by the wine we shared
as we revealed
ourselves to each other
in flashes, like lightning strikes

in some other place, in another time
hearts would be changed
in this night of living fantasy
just as the rain changes
the landscape of my mind

but when the storm passes
and our passion is filled
the sun will rise tomorrow
and we shall wake once again
as friends

regardless of the outcome or who we hurt or who we leave wondering "was that once me?"

dreamer deceiver
what i once claimed to be
handing out a taste of sweet corruption for any who would try
worming my way into the depths of indulgence stopping just short of the fall into the abyss
searching for that ever fleeting moment of ecstasy to wrap my greedy fingers around
raging from lust to lust consuming the juices of stolen passion
that was yesterday....
broken down and bitter
what i am today
filled with fear and insecurity wanting to be heard
cowering from the man i used to be
searching for my place in a make believe world created by me

how do we stop the tide of jealousy

i saw a rainbow today, stretching out across the horizon of my life
it reminded me of you, it reminded me of us
perfect shades of life, but something wasn't right
for all the beauty the scene could offer it was still lacking
every corner i did search, looking for unpainted pieces to this puzzle in which i now stood
the closer i looked the more beautiful the scene, the more i took in the more hollow this splendor felt
in vain i searched
how could such a scene leave me filled with sorrow?
from horizon to horizon i ran seeing, feeling, living in this masterpiece painted with such a loving touch
i ran until i fell to my knees and wept unto the heavens
my cries filled the sky, rolling through the valleys like the voice of god
it was then i found the answer
i could never paint your beauty, but he could never describe it

or the rivers of tears

only holding the time gently until the curtain falls
i do not curse you for being selfish
nor do i pity you for being alone
so blind you are
so blind
blind
sowing the seeds of sorrow in the fields of my heart
i do not hate you for being you
nor do i envy you for being a thief
so blind you are
so blind
blind
but...
open eyes burn
open eyes hurt
open eyes see
open eyes
open
eyes
.....could see that my heart was breaking

and yet when we try our hardest to put the pieces back together it seems to come crashing down again

your jealousy is funny to me
it creeps around the house
like some insane cat
hell bent on finding something

because there will always be questions

if the pieces of my heart came crashing down at your feet would you weep?
if the oceans moving inside my soul dried would you offer me a drink?
if the cold wind of sacrifice knocked me down would your hand be there to help me up?

questions of the heart never answered when the sun is shinning
never answered when the moon is full
questions of the heart left to be forgotten after the thrill is gone

if i screamed aloud i love you...
if i screamed aloud i hate you...
if i screamed aloud don't leave me...
if i screamed aloud never come back...

questions left unasked
questions filled with fear of knowing the answers

usually asked by those you will look at and say "you don't know me", even though they do

as you read these lines, these fragments of light and shadow that have come to define our lives, do you feel me?
or does that piece of meat inside your chest only pump blood?
i sometimes wonder if we even remember how to love
a feeling lost in the empty promise of forever

children pretending to be adults playing grown up games

questions we don't want to answer

remember what the old folks said
play with fire, you'll wet the bed
now that we're grown and made our name
tell me, how long do you plan on sleeping in the flame?

not because we don't know the answer, we just don't want to answer

how do you play this game?
i seem to have forgotten
should there be a winner?
i thought we all won some sort of prize
what are the rules?
i thought honesty and compassion were the norm
how do you play this game?
i seem to have forgotten
what was it that came first?
love, sex or friendship
we must have lost our way

we look for the answers everyday

i sat alone today, looking at my world
dissecting tiny fragments of what used to be the truth
collecting evidence for the coming trial
playing detective with my heart

i sat alone today, screaming at my world
a counterfeit version of reality
held together with innuendo
promise of some future prize i could never win

i sat alone today, thinking about you

and there we are, left with what ifs and could have beens

visual figures of blurs that run past me in the night peacefully greeting me as they glide through life without feeling
cold is the hand of the boatman as he helps me onto the shore
lost is the hope of finding you waiting for me down by the river
sitting there telling stories to the children who have crossed without knowing where they now rest their heads
damn you and your quest to find a new life
damn you and your need to feel again

walking through the mists of tomorrow, breathing scented air
keeping close to the path of virtue
memorizing the sins left behind
still i search this world for you
drifting further into sadness, drifting further into madness
falling hard upon the dream stained floor
i can't go on
damn you and your quest to find a new life
damn you and your need to feel again

damn you and your desire to look into the mirror

when it's all said and done who can we seek out, who can we trust?

if i were a child
would you take me in?
if i were a woman
would you make love to me?
if i were a stranger
would you offer me a ride?
if i were your best friend
would you listen to my advice?
.....then just hear me, please

the artist painted
on a canvas of sorrow
for all the world to see
yet, for all the colors
he could bring to life
one shade eluded him
and now his self portrait
hangs on the wall
a perfect rendition
of what his biased eyes see

if i were your best friend
.....never mind

because it all comes back to one thing

you sit there
quiet little man
scribbling away
at this so-called novel
silently waiting
for the next plot twist
corrupting the lines
to meet your own
secret illusion
whispering into the
characters minds
"go ahead, kill this night"
and still you remain a fool
ignoring the drama
that unfolds around you
squeezing every last drop
out of naivety
just wishing for acceptance
from someone other than
the people who love you
but you can't hold back
much longer, can you?
your eyes begin to open
and you see the destruction
the chaos that swirls around you
now you must make that choice
you must write it all again
from the beginning
just to make everything normal
so it will fit into your
neatly packaged, perfectly organized
pseudo christian life
write, blind man, write
your life may well depend on it
write the story of betrayal
and hope you douse the fire
that burns within your own house
before the flames of desire
consumes you
commits you
to living this all again

and the choices we must make

caught between him and destiny
no place for our love to be
no
moving back instead of on
is the wrong way i see
now
me or him it must be
make your choice or set me free
free

tell me another lie
give me a reason why

playing the fool for you
believing you were true
true
watching you take away
the world i had made
no
should i leave this place
or should i stay
oh

tell me another lie
give me a reason why

and living with memories just doesn't seem to be enough

oops
no inspiration here
just me and my frozen dinner
a thousand miles from tomorrow
and a lifetime away from you

remember the pancakes we made together
breakfast never tasted so good
the smell of coffee and morning conversation
the promise of a new day

besides memories are just like dreams, nothing but.....

foolish thoughts dreamt by a fool

look into my eyes
tell me you can't see it
this love i have
look into my heart
tell me you can't feel it

my arms ache for the chance to hold you all
take each of you to my special place where the world can't touch us
where all we need is each other and can love without fear

foolish thoughts dreamt by a fool

and some days all you want to do is let it burn

the hammer pounds the anvil in the cathedral of my soul
damning me with each new strike
hellfire and brimstone delivery, echoing off the columns
and rattling the stained glass
shouting down from the pulpit
anger
anger
anger
fire in the basement
burn this palace down

now it's almost like some kind of unimaginable dream complete with characters who you think you know, but are not quite sure

you sit there
silently in your room
waiting for the world to
explode around you
hoping just to catch a glimpse
of what real life is like
or maybe it is fantasy you prefer
but still, neither will come to you
alone, up there
silently sitting in that lonely room
what if life softly knocked upon your door?
what if death battered it down
like a pre-dawn navel bombardment?
would you still sit there?
even if you knew it was me

so you remember the good things, only the good things

when we were dancing
we were so close
my mind was wild
with thoughts of
me and you

when you placed your
hands on my shoulders
my pulse quickened
at the idea of
me and you

when we embraced
you held me so tight
like you were trying
to be part of me
i wondered about
me and you

i know it seems wrong
to love you the way i do
but those who believe
this feeling is evil
have never seen you cry
have never heard you laugh
in quiet moments
when only the chill of
autumn surrounds us
in dreams of life without boundaries
and love without cost

as i lay next to you
with a new sensation in my heart
i can't help but think about the future
do we have one?

now that we're together
me and you

and everyone else is left to wonder, how it could have been

i had a dream
i was lying in bed
you were by my side
and (__) was on the other
then i woke up

i wrote this down so i would not forget it

desire

in the deepest end of the pool
we swam without fear
holding hands as new feelings
covered our bodies
shivering from the sensation
as we left the world
and all of its dysfunctional
truths behind

passion

this is where we found it
hidden amongst all that
useless baggage called guilt
discovered in an embrace
that seemed to last forever

love

is more than just a word
more than just a feeling
love has no boundaries
a simple thought isn't it?
try and remember that
the next time you see us
because (__) could have
been sharing it with us

still, in the end it all comes out the same. lost, lonely people all walking around in circles

walking
just me
and my sadness
on a sunday
never mind those people
walking
where was i going?

i've tried so many ways
to forget
let it be
i can't
a shadow follows me
slowly building
forming as the days go
walking
just me
thinking about you

did i ever really know you?
walking
in circles

so forever this merry-go-round
broken down
some kind of reminder
we left behind
in case we pass this way again
not so much youth lost, but trust
walking
just me
in circles

maybe one day
we can come together
someday
when we're older
wiser
when you're through pretending
and i'm through
walking
in circles
just me
a circle of nothing